The E3 2011 Drinking Game

So once again the biggest event in videogames is here! That’s right, E3 2011 is officially a go! Our good friends at Gaminglives.com will actually physically be at E3 (I missed a trick by not hiding in their luggage then shouting “Journalism!” upon emerging), and so you should follow their coverage of the event as best you can. However, what about those of us who won’t actually be there and will be glued to our computer screens in anticipation?

Well, while you can’t be there to actually play the games yourself, as a British teenage boy I decided to come up with a poorly-thought out excuse to validate alcoholism!

The Geek Mecca. THE Place To Be For Gaming. And Now A Reason For A Poorly-Contrived Drinking Game!

The following are drinking games that I concocted based on the upcoming conferences by Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft. These are only a bit of silly fun, and ideally these should probably be played with friends, but seeing as you’re reading this and contemplating getting drunk while watching people talk about videogames on a weekday night just because I suggested it, that’s probably not going to happen. Fear not though, for these are designed to be played single-player too, and as most gamers would agree, it’s better when multiplayer isn’t shoehorned in for the sake of it. You’re also more than free to add your own rules and criteria, as I admit this may be a bit bare in places. If you’ve read this and the conferences have already happened, then most sites will allow you to watch them afterwards, meaning you can set up the games when you’re good and ready.

So without further ado, the E3 2011 Drinking Games!

Nintendo’s Conference
Tuesday, 9am L.A. time, 5pm in London (Click for More Info)

Take A Shot:
-Miyamoto shows up.
-For every chart that appears.
-A game is announced to coincide with The Legend of Zelda’s 25th Anniversary (Take two if it’s a 3D Remake of A Link To The Past or some of the old games collected on a disc).
-Nintendo announce another game in a franchise that hasn’t been exploited for at least five years.
-The new console is finally announced. Take two if Nintendo move games meant for the Wii to the new console.

Keep Drinking:
-If video footage of people playing Wii/3DS is used, drink for the duration of footage.
-Every time you feel more like they’re talking to their stockholders instead of their potential customers.

Finish Your Drink:
-The Vitality Sensor shows up.
-Nintendo announce a first party game that isn’t based on an existing franchise.
-Reggie Fils-Aime actually takes someone’s name and kicks their ass.
-Add up how many 3DS games are specifically announced. If more are remakes than are original titles, then finish your drink.

Stop Drinking/You Win:
-Nintendo finally cut the crap and loudly proclaim “It prints money!” about any of their consoles, or their new console comes with the option to literally print money.
-Microsoft or Sony announce they’ll release games on Nintendo’s new console.
-SEGA appear from nowhere and announce their own console and intention to reinstate their old rivalry with Nintendo.

You win if I randomly appear onstage and hug Miyamoto through sheer fanboy love

Sony’s Conference
Monday, 5pm L.A. time, 1am (Tuesday) in London (Click for More Info)

Take A Shot:

-Kevin Butler shows up.
-An expensive additional way to enjoy your Sony experience (like Move or 3DTV) is plugged.
-The PSN downtime is mentioned. Take two if an awkward joke is made about it.
-The NGP’s official name ends up being something stupid.
-And if it costs an arm and a leg and Sony simply suggest you grow new limbs to buy one.

Keep Drinking:
-Whenever you start feeling bad for them for the PSN issues. Stop when they immediately do something to make you regret feeling bad, then drink as long as you regret. Start feeling bad for them again and continue the cycle.
-Whenever your mind drifts to E3 2006 and you start wishing they’d perform a cock-up on the same scale just so we’d have a different reason to mock Sony’s E3 conferences after five years.

Finish Your Drink:
-Sony do perform a cock-up on the same scale. See above if this also makes you feel bad.
-If the Move is barely mentioned or not mentioned at all.
-Conversely, if Move is claimed to be a success and is forced into everything.
-If Sony appears to have learnt a lesson from a previous failure. This may also qualify as part of the “Stop Drinking/You Win” criteria.

Stop Drinking/You Win:
-Hackers sabotage the conference. (If it turns out to be a joke, finish your drink)
-Marcus Rivers is bought on-stage and sacrificed to the delight of all.
-Someone commits seppuku for the PSN débâcle.

You win if anyone using Move on-stage is enveloped in a giant red ball from which there is no escape

Microsoft’s Conference
Monday, 9am L.A. time, 5pm in London (Click for More Info)

Take A Shot:

-Microsoft announce a feature for the 360 that everyone will forget about after a month.
-Molyneux appears and promises something you know won’t happen.
-A Halo game is announced. Take two if it’s a HD Remake.
-When they officially announce the 360 as an entertainment device and you despair a little.

Keep Drinking:
-Whenever someone over-enthusiastically plays the Kinect.
-As long as you feel depressed that they’re marketing the 360 as an “entertainment” device now, or that they’re putting too much into Kinect.
-If you get the feeling that the only reason people are staying in the conference room is in case Microsoft give anything away at the end again.

Finish Your Drink:
-Microsoft announce a new console.
-You fall for anything Molyneux says.
-Add up how many Kinect games are announced, then subtract by how many traditional or “hardcore” games are announced (if a “hardcore” Kinect game is announced, don’t subtract). If more Kinect games are announced than non-Kinect games, finish your drink.

Stop Drinking/You Win:
-Microsoft remember they’re one of the richest companies ever and buy their competitors with their pocket change.
-Apple announce they’re working with Microsoft to dominate the gaming market, and eventually the world. You still win if Steve Jobs shows up and challenges Microsoft’s head honcho to a rap/dance battle, though. Especially if he then wins.

You win the game if the Kinect literally transfers someone into the game like in Tron

All Three:
Take A Shot:

-A “celebrity” is used to talk about a game.
-Someone name-drops Call of Duty.
-Someone adopts an idea they previously slated when another company used it.
-Something is enthusiastically announced and barely anyone cheers.
-For every game you genuinely care about being released, two or three are announced that you don’t.
-A new game in a returning franchise looks so different from its predecessors that you know a fanboy just exploded somewhere.

Keep Drinking:
-If charts and statistics are talked about for longer than seven minutes, then drink until they finish.
-From when you get bored of them talking until they announce the next game.
-Every time they tout motion controls or 3D Gaming (or another newly revealed tech) as the future of gaming despite evidence to the contrary, until they stop.

Finish Your Drink:
-One of the companies gets timed exclusivity on a heavily-anticipated AAA Title that is first announced at their conference.
-Everyone gets a free gift at the end (like the Xbox Slims last year).
-Someone cocks up so hard that it’s bound to become a meme.

Stop Drinking/You Win:
-Anyone admits that their plans weren’t a success, or were a failure. Simply because upon this happening their hands will glow and beep, and they’ll be taken away and replaced.
-Anyone’s use of 3D in gaming is so realistic or powerful that the characters come out of the screen and take over.
-All three companies come together and sing a rousing rendition of “Hey Jude” as E3 closes.

Happy E3 2011!

-Edward
<3

P.S: Check out Gaminglives.com’s coverage of E3 2011 here!

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