Detective Ed 3: Courageous Creeping at Christmas
The Christmas lights slowly flickered on as Lewis walked hesitantly into his room after a long day of last-minute Christmas shopping. His footsteps echoed as he walked across the room. He slumped into his chair and waited for his laptop to spring into life. He entered the password (for those keeping score at home, it’s still ‘Vaginas’) and waited for start-up Suddenly, there was a large thump by one of his windows. Not an uncommon occurrence for an awesome sidekick such as he, by now almost dreading the fateful sound that’d whisk him away on another fruitless adventure. As much as he tried to ignore it, a small explosion sounded and part of the wall collapsed, with his closest friend and companion jumping through the new hole in the wall. I’m not even going to lie, it was pretty awesome.
“Curlyfries! I need you urgently!”
“Dude, what the fuck? You just blew a hole in my wall!”
The detective shrugged.
“I couldn’t get in through the windows…”
“Yeah, I had to reinforce them with iron bars to stop you crashing through them and causing damage!”
“And look how that turned out for you.”
“It’s like I’ve always said, if there isn’t a window, make a window!”
“You’ve never said that before!”
“I haven’t certainly never not unsaid it before…”
Lewis paused in thought trying to process everything.
“Ed, how have you got so far in life without using doors? In fact, I know for a fact you’ve used doors before.”
“Yeah, but doors are so passé now. Windows are the way to go…”
Lewis glared at him accusingly. Ed sheepishly continued.
“You go to a different University to me. I get bored.”
“Where did you even get the explosives anyway?”
“Mad Scientist. Duh.”
Lewis sighed in his by-now trademark manner, and reluctantly asked,
“Why are you here then, Ed? I’m guessing its probably some kind of Christma-”
“It’s a Christmas thing. More specifically, a Santa thing.”
“Father Christmas. Good Saint Nick! Santa!”
Lewis again sighed.
“Ed, we’ve already had this talk before.”
“Really, I don’t recall, how did it end?”
“With the existence of a fat man carrying presents to billions worldwide and whose appearance is only ascertained from adverts perpetuated by a fizzy-drinks manufacturer-”
“If you’re talking in the sense that the belief in something or creation of a concept begets its existence, then…”
“In Ed terms?”
“Santa isn’t real.”
There was brief pause as the Detective pondered this, and began his counterargument.
“How do you know if you’ve never seen him before?”
“Isn’t that an argument I should be using on you? Is this going to end with us attacking Santas in shopping centres and interrogating them or something?”
“Nah, I’ve already done that for us. Thought it’d save us the time constraints.”
There was a short pause. He continued.
“I’m banned from the local shopping centre until Christmas is over.”
Another pause before he continued again.
“Most of the people involved now have a restraining order taken out on me.”
A final pause.
“I shoved my fist in-”
“Woah woah woah! I do not need to hear this. Okay, I hate to ask, but what’s the plan?”
“The plan? I’m glad you asked! Mwahaahahaha!”
The sound of thunder crashed in the background. Well, it would be, but it was more bricks collapsing from the crater in the wall.
“You’re paying for that shit, you know.”
“I have someone on speed dial.”
“Anyway, this plan?”
“Why of course, dear chum. You see, the plan is simple. We’re going to find Santa!”
“And then what?”
“Then we’ll have found Santa?”
“If he exists, of course. Which he doesn’t.”
Detective Ed explained the plan to his cohort. It was simple! First, they’d wait up for Santa, with appropriate festive treats awaiting him, and then they’d wait until Santa showed up. Despite the Detective clearly being a dog chasing after a ball in this scenario, he waited. Partially out of loyalty for his companion, but mostly due to the fact that if someone blows a hole in your wall, you’re not going to mess them around.
“Okay, I’m calling this quits, there’s no way that he’s showing up in time now. He’s about as real as-”
“The female orgasm?”
“Look Ed, just because you can’t make it happen doesn’t mean it isn’t real.”
“What, like Santa?”
“Actually, I… Uhh.. that is…”
Ed’s face grew smug.
Suddenly, they heard a noise downstairs and someone going “Ho ho ho!”.
It must have been Father Christmas after all!
“Ed, do you hear that? Wait, Ed? Ed?”
Lewis looked around and found that the good Detective was nowhere to be seen. He panicked, as you would do if you let an idiot with explosives out of your sight. Lewis ran down the stairs, where he saw Saint Nick finish putting presents under his tree and then walking through the hole in the wall. Lewis looked around worriedly and found himself running after Santa. Because in these situations, the first person you should trust is a fat man in a red suit you’ve never met before. But as it happens, Lewis followed him out and shouted after him.
“Ho ho ho! Yes, my boy?”
“Woah, this is kind of weird, I kind of expected you to-”
“Not exist? I get that a lot. No offence taken!”
“Wow, that’s kind of overly nice considering”
“What did you expect, kid? Me to hate you or something? I can’t do that, I’m Father Christmas! Besides, you’re on the good list.”
“Oh, right, fair enough. Uh, why?”
Father Christmas pointed to the hole in the wall and laughed.
“Ho ho ho! You’d have to be on the good list if you can put up with a friend like that!”
“But I digress! I need to get back to the North Pole-hole-hole!”
“Fair enough, good luck with Christmas!”
“What are you talking about? You’re giving to give up a free trip to the North Pole and meeting a guy who technically shouldn’t exist? Now hop in my sleigh and let me take you far away by yourself.”
“Well, when you put it that way… But what about Ed?”
“I’m sure you can let him out of your sight long enough to see my workshop!”
“Well, considering the last time he was out of my sight with explosives he did that to my wall, and somehow managed to get his fist insi-”
“I don’t need to know-ho-ho! Shut up boy, and get in my sleigh!”
After an instantaneous trip to the North Pole, Lewis promptly fell out of the sleigh and vomited.
“Sorry, Lewis. I forget newcomers aren’t used to the light-speed travel!”
“It’s fine. It’s fine… When did I last eat sweetcorn?”
“Oh, I’ll get an elf to clean it up.”
“Wait, we’re actually at the North Pole?”
“Of course, good boy! Now, let me give you a tour of the area while I take a quick break for the sleigh to be stocked up again!”
As Father Christmas and his elves took Lewis for a tour of the area, outside the workshop our great Detective fell from a height and landed face first in the snow. Pulling himself up and attempting to brush some snow off, he looked around and took in his surroundings.
“Ah, the South Pole! Finally, I can get around to seeing Santa. And Lewis most likely probably said that hiding a tracking chip in his sleigh was a bad idea…”
He slowly made his way towards the workshop, having lost some ground but eager to discover its wonders. He soon enough found himself at the entrance to the workshop; a magnificently large workshop with its majestic doors flung wide open.
“Looks like we’re going to have to bring in the…” He donned some sunglasses.
“Jingle Bell Rock.”
Ed searched around the workshop for what felt like ages, and found himself unable to find a single entrance.
The Christmas lights flickered to life as Father Christmas walked slowly into the room. Elves sang in the background, happily making toys for the little girls and boys as Santa sat down for a few moments and relaxed. Suddenly, he heard a knocking sound that slightly echoed around the workshop very slightly. Lewis froze on the spot, paralysed by the sudden realisation of what was about to occur. Sure enough, an explosion blasted part of the workshop wall open, with Detective Ed jumping through the newly formed hole shouting “I found a window!” before landing in the sleigh full of gifts face first. As he sat himself up, he accidentally knocked the sleigh’s handbrake and sent it rocketing forward towards the giant bundle of presents, crushing them all in its wake. As he turned around, Ed saw the giant gas stove in the corner rapidly approaching and bailed. He ran away from the stove in slow motion before jumping in the air as the sleigh impacted and caused a colossal explosion, throwing him out of the factory. He somehow managed to land miraculously on his feet, before slowly falling onto his face. He slowly got up and looked around, saw Lewis walking slowly towards him, and pretending not to notice he was there began his epic entrance line.
“Looks like we’re going to have to bring in the…”
The Detective donned a pair of sunglasses.
“…Jingle bell Rock…”
There was a short pause before he continued.
“I just thought of that just now.”
Lewis put his head in his heads for what seemed like the umpteenth time until he lifted his head and spoke.
“One. That was awful. Two. It didn’t fit the situation in any way. Three. You bought sunglasses to the North Pole?”
“Ah, Lewis! What are you doing here at the South Pole?”
“Ed, it’s the North Pole, and you’ve just destroyed most of Santa’s workshop. How did you even get here?”
“Why not just use it to teleport inside the building, instead of destroying everything?”
“Like I always say, if there isn’t a window, make a window! But that’s not important, what is important is now it’s time for Christmas! At the South-”
“Pole! Come on, let’s get to it!”
“Ed, I don’t even think you’ve realised what you’ve done, have you? You’ve just destroyed all hopes of there being a Christmas! In fact, Santa and his elves are coming over here right this second. Give me one reason why Santa and his elves shouldn’t deck your halls and lay a beat-down the likes of which has never been seen on you.”
Ed thought about this for a minute, before limply pointing above himself to the lone decoration held in his hand and whimpering.
The Detective sprang awake in a cold sweat, screaming.
“For fucks sake, even on Christmas you can’t leave me alone and not wake me up?”
“Don’t you remember what we’ve just been through, with Santa, the elves, the beatings?”
“Nah, it turns out it was all a dream”
“Really? What a cop out.”
There was a slight pause.
“Not really. We met Santa, you then destroyed most of his base of operations and ruined Christmas with Saint Nick being kind enough to at least take us home before they beat you so severely you’d have ended up in a hospital.”
“Alright, thanks for the sarcastic confession, I get that I was dreaming, prick.”
“No Ed, you don’t seem to understand, that actually happened.”
“Shut up. I’m going to make some eggnog. Want some?”
“I have no idea what that actually is”
“Neither do I, I tend to just get some eggs and experiment a little.”
Lewis failed to be in any way surprised by what he had just heard.
“Screw it, it’s Christmas, get me some.”
“One nog or two?”
“I don’t even care.”
The Detective made his way downstairs while Lewis made his way to the bathroom sink. He heard a cry for help moments after. Running in panic yet again, he found the Detective scattering himself about the room in search for presents.
“Where are all my presents?”
“I sold them all to pay for the hole in my wall.”
“How am I meant to escape this hell-hole now?”
“By taking a door, maybe?”
“So I’m trapped here forever? This is the worst Christmas ever.”
“Not entirely. Here. Santa left you this one.”
Ed grabbed the present from Lewis’s hands and rabidly clawed at it until the wrapping fell apart, revealing a rock of coal and a note.
“Dear Detective Ed,
I sold your presents to fix my ho-ho-hole.”
There was a long pause as slowly but surely, Ed fell to his knees and let out a powerful ‘Noooooooooooooooo!’ that could be heard from the North Pole, whereupon Santa and his elves high-fived at another job well done.
Merry Christmas everyone, and hope you’ve had a great 2010! Life’s A Game will be back in 2011, and we hope we’ll see you there!