Technology is obviously such a massive part of our lives nowadays that we’re edging closer to a reality where stuff you’d find in science-fiction could become commonplace. Not anything like hoverboards, or anything that cool, let’s be honest, but more stuff like that cool menu navigation thing Tom Cruise could do in Minority Report. Yeah, that sounds kind of lame, but you’re going to have to shut up and make do with our current “innovations” like touchscreens that are slower to use and more fiddly and inaccurate than buttons and smart-phones which do everything but let you phone people if you dare hold them (it’s still cool to make fun of the iPhone, right?). Sometimes, it just seems a lot easier to go back to a simpler time, or just become an angry Luddite and smash every machine around because you’ll be damned if a machine that works faster, better and longer than you will take your job creating cloth, dammit!
So after an extended break in no way caused by a combination of Summer, lack of ideas and my Laptop dying on me and being fixed preventing me from writing, Life’s A Game returns with another “How To” guide. Make sure you print this guide out for future reference. Otherwise you’ll be kicking yourself when you eventually need advice from an internet blog you can’t access without technology. So without further ado, we present:
“How To Cope Without Technology”
So, you’re somehow stuck without the use of technology for an extended period of time. As we can’t be entirely sure what situation you’re stuck in, we’ve prepared a few likely scenarios in which you’ll be without technology for a while and forced to cope on your wits and brawn. Obviously, you’re not adequately prepared for either, which’d explain why you’re reading this on the internet right now. Before I delve into the main scenarios that have been hand-picked for you, I need to point out the following rule, because it’s the most important one:
Do Not Try and Overthrow Humanity.
Seriously, cannot stress this enough. Just because you’re sick with technology or you’re forced to cope without it doesn’t mean you or anyone else should or would devolve into a postapocalyptic society wherein you throw off the shackles of technology and participate in roaming animal hunts and random orgies. From experience, those things rarely tend to happen, and even less often with enough attractive women to make it worth it. Think about it, why would they? It’s best to not try to overthrow society just because you can’t tweet to everyone. Unless everyone else starts doing it, in which case just try to do it better than everyone else. More advice in this subject will be covered in the future “How To” guide: “How To Try And Overthrow Humanity“.
If You’re Stuck In An Extended Power Outage:
-Check that you haven’t just blown a fuse or something. Make sure it’s something that it’s something out of your control and more widely affecting than your place of living. Unless you can’t really travel anywhere else, in which case it’ll be fine if it’s just you.
-Despair when you realise how much of your current entertainment relies on electricity. It’s fine, no one else is going to see. Unless they are going to see, then put some clothes on and stop crying like a little wuss. You have to be a manly man and impress everyone with your bravado and how well you’re coping with the scenario. You can cry in private later. If you’re a woman, then you’ll be fine. No one cares if you cry. Instead, be more manly than everyone else, and assert dominance by kicking them in the nuts or something.
-Find everything you own that runs on batteries. Now, most guides will tell you to make sure you use things with batteries sparingly and make them last. Anyone who tells you that is a pussy. You need to use them as much as you can straight away and use those things until they’re as drained as a typical male after a Twilight Movie marathon.
-On this note, anything in your fridge and freezer may start to melt or defrost. Keeping in mind that you have no idea when this power-outage will last, it’s probably a safe suggestion to eat as much as you can. It’ll probably give you some extra energy if you need to go out there and fight for survival. Or make you warmer. Or make you too fat to kidnap. What do I care, just eat the damn food, fatty.
-If it starts to get cold, find some books. Then use them for firewood. If you’re an English Student like me, it’s not like you use them for anything, anyway.
-When you’ve depleted everything you can, try to find a friend within travelling distance who hasn’t been affected by the power-outage. If they’re unaffected, feel free to mooch off of them for as long as possible and overthrow their accommodation if necessary. If they’re suffering too, then be sure to repeat the above steps. They’ll thank you for it in the long run. And if they don’t? Then make them after you put out the fire you may have caused which I may have forgotten to tell you to put out earlier. Whoops.
If Your Crappy Laptop Crapped Out On You And You Have To Wait Up To 10 Days For A Replacement:
-Try and back everything up if possible to an external hard drive. This makes it easy to restore everything if you have to reformat, or restore if it has to be sent off. Make sure everything is backed up before you attempt anything else. Then contact the manufacturer and see about getting it fixed, or if it’s beyond hope, look around and try to invest in a new one.
-If you’re still able to access your desktop, then go into the root/system files and delete anything that doesn’t sound like it should be there. Don’t know? Then just delete files at random. Hopefully, you’ll find the problem. If you don’t or things get worse, then empty your recycle bin because you haven’t deleted enough and you don’t want it to overflow and spill out, that’d be terrible!
-If you’re not able to access the desktop or startup screen anymore, than just randomly smash the keys. If you’re lucky, they’ll make bleeping noises. Just keep randomly smashing keys so that the noises play. You should be able to distract yourself for a long while by trying to make up random tunes or play things you know by mashing the keyboard. You’ve probably broken it anyway, so this is all it’s good for until you can fix it.
-Open it up with a hammer (or a screwdriver, for precision) and try to “fix” the insides. Don’t worry if you’re still under warranty, those things are just daring you to break them and pay extra for things you can get fixed for free. I think you lose if you don’t void them.
-Make sure to verbally and physically abuse it as much as you can. Call it names, insinuate various sexual activities with its relatives or parental figures and make it feel really down about itself and how it could afford to stop overheating and maybe lose a bit of weight while we’re at it. It’s pretty cathartic and it won’t remember any of what you told it seeing as the thing’s going to be reset anyway. If you’re particularly malevolent, it’s not sentient and doesn’t have feelings so it doesn’t matter what you say to it. As for physical abuse, anything that doesn’t come up in a breakage or bruise should be fine. Remember, they don’t cover for “accidental damage“… ;)
-Become paranoid that it’s simply the first in a series of signs that technology is going to take over and destroy humanity. Do whatever you can to destroy it all at all costs before Skynet becomes sentient. You warned them, dammit! Remember, we didn’t say anything about not overthrowing anything that wasn’t humanity…
-Don’t borrow someone else’s laptop to keep up with things and lament about how you could totally get your writing done if you were able to access all your notes. Whatever you do, don’t then write a vaguely sarcastic post about it on your blog. There’s probably plenty of other ideas out there, even if you haven’t updated in about a month. Wait.
If You’ve Crashed On A Desert Island:
-Make a mental note not to fly with a budget airline in future. Or at least when they tell you to turn off your electronics during landing and take-off, don’t take it as a challenge.
-Depending on how you got there, start finding what you can from the wreckage and collecting it into a big pile, including anyone unfortunate enough to not make it. You’re going to need a lot of things to burn to keep you warm, and it’ll help get you on your way.
-Accept that you’re probably not going to end up getting rescued anytime soon, and look out for animal and people corpses and things to tie them together for a makeshift raft. Anything you don’t burn can go towards your raft. I remember reading about something like that in the Watchmen graphic novel, and I’m pretty sure the guy using the corpse-raft was insane before trying it, so what’s your excuse?
-As long as you’re sure there’s no one about, declare yourself King of the island. I cannot stress how much you’re not allowed to do this if there are others about. They’d make far better rulers than you could. Plus they smell, look and dress better than you. There’s no point.
-Befriend all the coconuts (replace with appropriate growing food if there are no coconuts) – You’ll need to when you eventually become crazy due to lack of communication and are forced to resort to drawing faces on them and calling them all Wilson. At least if you have an argument with someone, you have an excuse to eat them and show an example to others who dare oppose you as King.
-Make sure to have makeshift projectile weapons in case anything capable of rescuing you comes along. Firing at it will get the attention of those inside and will alert them to your cause, meaning that rescue will be soon! Make sure to fire big projectiles directly at the drivers though, as they’re going to be the ones most likely to see and in charge of where they go, and will realise that your actions indicate you need saving and not attacking. If you accidentally destroy the transport, then at least you have something to put on your warmth fire.
-Finally cast off the shackles of current technology and oppression and cope fine without them just in time to be finally rescued and taken away from this godforsaken hell hole. Make sure to abdicate and put one of your coconut minions in charge in order to avoid a leadership crisis or civil war. Remember, you taught them everything they know, they should be fine. Godspeed, coconuts.
With all this advice, you should be completely fine in the future should you end up in a potentially cataclysmic event which requires you to put all of your trust into a series of “How-To” guides written by someone with a proven record of giving poor, yet humorous advice to complete strangers on the internet. If you’re without technology, then this guide will be your potential saviour. If you survive, you’ll make sure to appreciate what you have all that bit more. At least until Skynet takes over and ruins everything for you again.
Although, if the advice failed to help, then there is one final potential action you can undertake. This is only to be done if all else fails and you have no other idea of what to do…
Try and overthrow humanity.
For maximum effect, drink heavily, and possibly take some illegal substances before taking off any clothes below the waist when undertaking this activity. Try to convince everyone around that the only way we can continue living this hellish existence is if we get rid of all of our technology and learn to live and co-operate with each other. Make sure to touch and hold onto people as much as possible when doing this. If it fails, at least it’ll be entertaining enough to people that you may end up becoming a YouTube sensation for everyone to enjoy on their shiny machines long after you’ve been gunned down or arrested.
You didn’t pay for this shit anyway.