I ran into the room as quick as I could, shutting the double doors behind me, and reinforcing them with chairs before security could come in and stop me.
“Who are you, and what are you doing here?” Came a voice from across the room.
I straightened myself up, donned my straight upper lip, and went right into my prepared speech:
“Hollywood, I come here to present to you my movie pitches. You will sit, and you will listen to my movie pitches, and I will tell you them. In exchange, you will approve them, and I will walk out of here with a lot of money. Is that clear?”
It wasn’t. My upper lip was too stiff. I decided whoever once gave me that advice clearly never tried persuading a bunch of practically kidnapped executives that he wasn’t crazy. Explaining myself without looking partially paralysed, the executives decided that placating me by letting me pitch these ideas was clearly the only way they could get rid of me, or at least keep me distracted until security was able to break in and rescue them. Either way, I was given my chance to show Hollywood what for. Too long had I sat behind my laptop judging films relentlessly, criticising all the movies I could, screaming into the relentless void of the internet and hoping someone hears me over all the other screamers. This was my chance to show not only what an amazing and incredible writer I was, but also how incredibly in tune I am with what Hollywood wants, and what’ll make millions and be regarded as one of the best films ever made.
Seeing as it should have been made clear for them that I am in essence, a major internet presence who should be feared and loved alike, I thought it was only fit to begin my conquest of Hollywood with a completely bullet-proof idea that would show my knowledge of the internet and make them want to give me millions.
When Al Gore invented the internet, he didn’t think it would be used like this…
It’s the future. Because of frequent accidents, and the fact that most drivers on the roads are complete dicks who seem to think that the rules of the road don’t apply to them, cars have slowly been outlawed with many other forms of travel. The replacement is a series of massive tubes powered by the internet, allowing people to reach their destinations quickly and with ease (depending on how good their broadband provider is).
But what happens when people start disappearing from the tubes?
Suddenly, a conspiracy and the disappearances of increasingly powerful individuals sparks off a chain of events that could see the entire internet, and thus the world into peril and chaos. But who will save humanity from the trolls who threaten to destroy everything the future holds dear?
The Government has no choice but to bring back the only man who can save them before its too late; the grizzled, retired and disgraced former President of the Internet: Al Gore. As played by Samuel L Jackson. Formerly betrayed by the country he loves (America), that same country must now rely on him to save the world from… The Tubes!
Rated 15 for Sex, Violence, and Al Gore shouting “I’ve had it with these motherfucking tubes in this motherfucking internet!”
Stony silence filled the room, before one of the three executives slowly, but firmly assured me that not only would such a film never be made, but if I ever attempted to make it, I would live to regret the mistake. A back and forth ensued between the two of us as I struggled to save face in light of my unexpected failure.
“Okay… How about a film where Sandra Bullock discovers a conspiracy involving the Secretary of Defence in America, and is chased by the internet which then tries to destroy her life and the floppy disk containing the internet she needs to prove that trouble is afoot?”
“That’s the 1995 film ‘The Net’, and I have serious doubts you’ve ever watched it.”
“What if… Some guy and Angelia Jolie before her lips got too big are computer hackers who try to stop someone from hacking money away from the US Government but fall in love with each other?”
“No, that’s ‘Hackers’, also oddly enough from 1995, featuring Angelina Jolie”
“How about a grizzled cop is forced to protect a hacker while another evil hacker tries to destroy America in a fire sale in order to steal all the money in the country as revenge for being fired for being a dick? There can be a bit where a helicopter’s exploded by a car, and-”
“You have to understand that the internet doesn’t work that way and can’t do those things you’ve described.”
“Well I write for the internet! I know exactly what it’s like and what it could do! So there!”
Suddenly, a realisation that maybe I wasn’t as big or knowledgeable about the internet than I originally thought. A tear welled up.
“Are you crying?”
I had to make an even bigger effort to appease them now, seeing as I’d just taken out one of the executives. I wondered if there was any way to salvage it.
“If you’re going to suggest some kind of film idea based on the shape and wreckage of you hitting him with that chair, we’re going to pre-emptively say no”
Trying to take over Hollywood was a lot tougher than I thought. I only had a few more ideas left, so I had to make sure I made them count.
“Okay, Hollywood Executives, so maybe ‘The Tubes‘ wasn’t your cup of tea, but maybe you’re the kind of people who’d get a kick out of my next idea!”
Zachary is an ordinary teenage boy into all the coolest and latest trendy things. But that’s all about to change when he builds up the courage to finally tell his best friend Victoria how he feels. She doesn’t feel the same, and Zachary’s world is turned upside down when he’s… Rejected. Now Zachary, played by the latest teen heart-throb, needs to sort out his life and deal with the horrible pain of being Rejected, but it’s with the help of his friends that he realises its not actually the end of the world, and eventually finds one less lonely girl, played by Justin Beiber.
Okay, I finally insulted Justin Bieber. Can I be hip and cool on the internet, now? Please? :(
“So what’s the deal?”
“Well, everyone’s been rejected at one point or another, right?”
“Well, I’m rich, so no.”
“Oh. Well, it’s just a rom-com with teenagers and the latest celebrities so that young people will go watch it and think the shit they’re being fed is worth watching. The celebrities alone will endorse massive amounts of money that you can use to not pay the writers.”
“I think we’ll pass”
“Well, maybe if a regular rom-com doesn’t do it for you, what about a rom-com… in space?”
The 5th Dimension
Philip and Julia are two of the world’s leading scientists living on a spaceship as they search space for proof of evidence of a fifth dimension. However, Julia is slowly falling for Philip as their adventure in space goes from an extended vacation to the trip from hell. Is it the space radiation, or is he really the perfect one for her? Peril awaits the two of them until they realise that the 5th Dimension existed all along. And it’s love.
Rated 18 for strong language and gratuitous space sex.
“I don’t even know how you’re able to come up with these terrible plots. All I want is for you to stop. Security really cannot come fast enough”
I had the feeling maybe storming Hollywood wasn’t the greatest idea after all. I’d broken the law, done things a man should never do, and now found myself humiliated. So I guess it was just like I thought Hollywood would be! I high-fived myself to the confusion of both of the remaining executives, one of whom still hadn’t spoken by this point.
I had one last chance, it was my last idea, and I could hear the security getting past the last of my blockades. I didn’t have a moment to lose!
“Gentlemen, I have saved the best for last. Here is my magnum opus. My raison d’etre! Behold…”
Jack Black plays a clumsy but ultimately lovable oaf with an unearned inflated sense of self worth who unduly thinks he’s amazing at what he does. Recent failure has proved otherwise, and the people around him are finally tired of putting up with his over the top antics. It all goes from bad to wacky for Jack Black when he discovers that he has to pay the rent!
Cue wacky japes as Jack Black finds himself a fish out of water in his new circumstances and his adventure is further hindered by the corrupt nature of the system! Despite the insurmountable hurdles, he manages to pay his rent by being himself, allowing himself to eventually winning over all his doubters and teach the moral of the story to those around him, proving that his heart is in the right place underneath it all.
Rated 15 for Language, Sex and Impromptu Singing.
The main executive slowly put his head in his hands and started crying. The other executive, who until this point had said nothing, eeked out an “Actually, I liked that“, allowing me to cheer victoriously just as security knocked me out and escorted me out of the building.
So what happened afterwards? I don’t know, but I’m apparently barred from Hollywood until such time as I can come up with a film idea that won’t land me with further restraining orders.
This isn’t the last film idea you’ve heard from me, Hollywood, you hear?
I will succeed! I will create an award winning film despite the odds and challenges that face me, eventually winning over the female love interest and proving to the world that the underdog can beat the system after all and find success if he just believes in himself!
Edward Versus Hollywood.
Starring Jack Black. Coming 2012.