How To Avoid The World Cup

So, the World Cup Season is here.
Time to hide from all those people who now become so patriotic about the country they live in they begin to act as if their country’s worth is only decided by their football skills. Football becomes the most important thing to ever happen, ever. So what’s the difference between this and all the other football that normally happens? Well, instead of it being twenty-two overpaid, ignorant wankers rambling around a field for ninety minutes (give or take), the teams are now countries instead of clubs. So, now it’s twenty-two incredibly patriotic heroes traversing around a pitch for ninety minutes for the pride of their country and all of their countries hopes and dreams are directly on their shoulders as they are the pride of their own country. If they win, then all the children of their country will cry cancer-curing tears of joy, victory, and re-affirmed self-esteem. If they lose, everyone on the team is arrested for war crimes and treason, and fed to a pride of starving lions which all the stadiums keep on standby for unthinkable occasions such as these.


Though, I don’t really watch Football, so my information might be inaccurate…

So as you no doubt know or have guessed, football takes over all the priorities and becomes more important than politics, sex, education, even football itself. Until your country is inevitably knocked out and people are forced to pretend they’re watching for the other countries, too.

So what to do if you’re not a fan of Football? Do you go on watching and enjoying “The Greatest Show On Earth” with fear and loathing in your heart, knowing you’ve given into the demands of what society expects you to? Refusing to take society to heart and going on a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas styled drug binge during the World Cup? Or maybe you want to avoid the World Cup entirely and you’re not sure how? Well, why not boycott it? After all, boycotting something you dislike reliably tells everyone that you think you’re important enough for your boycott to have any impact whatsoever! And as we all know, boycotts and protests never fail. Except when you end up on fire.


If I do this, I’ll be sure to get on Rage Against The Machine’s Album Cover!

So how best to boycott one of the biggest and greatest sports spectacles around? Sit down and read while Life’s A Game presents its guide on “How To Avoid The World Cup!”

Avoid Work
If you’re already unemployed, this step can be avoided. Otherwise…
Everyone at work will be talking about the World Cup. Making predictions, office bets and talking about it day in day out. You probably can’t stand it most of the time as it is, all that tedious conversation around the water cooler, Johnson in accounting joking about sleeping with your significant other, Gerald actually boning your significant other in the supplies cupboard, Ron making racist statements about Africa and how it’s okay because some of his best friends are black and besides, the Africans wouldn’t be able to understand him anyway.


I mean, Resident Evil 5 was a documentary, right? Seriously I’m not racist.

The tedious 9 to 5 stretch drives you mad day after day with people’s stupid opinions as it is, let alone during the World Cup. If you’ve come here, you obviously don’t want to suffer their incessant mouth flapping about Football on top of everything else you have to put up with. There’s only one thing for it: Throw a few weeks long sickie, or take a prolonged holiday. If they won’t let you, quit your job. It’s not like you needed it anyway, and when you do so, make sure everyone knows why so that they can applaud you/join you on your cause. After all, everyone loves protesters!


God doesn’t love you, he’s too busy loving Fred Phelps for telling people how to live their lives.

Avoid Facebook (And other Social Networks)
Of course, this is a given. If there’s anything the recent UK elections taught us, it’s that all your social networks are poisoned with idiots who are more than willing to give you an overly biased and deeply flawed analysis of the situation from their perspective in order to tell you how to think. Don’t worry, if you don’t think the way they do, they’ll be sure to tell you how wrong you are and how deeply flawed your opinion is and how it should be exactly the same as theirs. It’ll be a cold and horrible realisation when people whose opinions and friendships you respected become untenable once you realise that come big events like the elections or the World Cup, they go from not ever talking about those subjects to acting as if they know everything about it and they’re right and you’re damned if they don’t agree with you on the day their degree comes through in the mail which makes them one hundred percent qualified to talk about the subject on hand and how wrong you are.

Now, you can’t just delete all these people from your friends list or hide them from your feed, after all, they’ve stood by you all the times you’ve been facebook raped, said stupid things, or had those incredibly embarrassing pictures of you come up. So, just avoid Facebook and every other social network you’re attached to. And the internet (we can’t be too careful). Unplugging yourself from the machine may be difficult, but if you’re intent on avoiding the World Cup, it must be done.

Better avoid all people too, just to be sure that the World Cup can’t affect you. Your loved one (if you have one that isn’t your right hand) is talking about the World Cup? You’re irreparably incompatible with each other and there’s no way you’re going to last. Looks like you’re going to have to break up with each other. It’s sad, I know, but its the only way to be sure that you’re not tricked into watching it instead of your usual preference.

Avoid Buying Food (or other Consumer Goods)
The majority of food and consumer goods know that some people are morons who will buy anything that is in any way linked to football at the time of the World Cup. Whether its banks claiming you get a financial bonus for England wins, to TV manufacturers giving you money back, everyone is going to assume you’re an idiot who’ll buy anything to do with football, even if its kind of shaped like a ball if you squint your eyes and are drunk off beer. You know, the beer you bought because they’re in some way sponsoring some form of the World Cup. Hell, even Pringles assume you’re an idiot: They’re selling “Striker Edition” Pringles with 4 collectable editions!

What happens if you get all four versions?


Why, you’ll have all four versions of the exact same tube of Pringles!
If Pringles assume you’re an idiot, what hope is there for you? Your best bet is to give up buying foods that are linked to the World Cup. In fact, all foods or goods you buy might be in some way linked to the World Cup. So you know, better boycott them too. Sure, you might go a bit hungry, but this way you can now consider turning it into a hunger strike against the World Cup, and hunger strikes never go wrong!


CHICKEN DIPPAHS!

Avoid the TV (and Videogames too)
So all your friends are conspiring against you, food is against you, but you have one friend you’ve always been able to rely on… No, not him… I meant Television!
That’s right, Television has been with you through a couple of the good times, and all of the bad times. However, sinister things are afoot this time of the year. If you turn your TV on, you’ll probably be inundated with adverts. Nothing new, perhaps, but watch a few…
That’s right! The World Cup has infected all of your television! All your favourite programmes have been replaced by the fan-proclaimed Greatest Show On Earth, and all you can do is hope it gets cancelled. Adverts now tenuously include football in some way in order to get your attention, your TV shows are sponsored by things that also sponsor the World Cup, footballers are included on the shows or they now talk about football, and that guy might possibly be from South Africa! Football and the World Cup have taken your oldest, dearest, (possibly only) friend from you! What can you do, wait out the month or learn to cope with it like a rational person? Of course not! If you don’t like something, then you avoid it no matter how inconvenient doing so is for you and everyone else around you!

Don’t think Videogames are exempt from this either. Some of the new consoles advertise World Cup or football related things on their dashboards and play videogames that are dedicated to football. In a time when even videogames betray you and only want you for your money, there’s only one thing you can do: Boycott videogames and/or the companies who make them until they do exactly what you want them to, then complain when they do to everyone that’ll listen to you like you’re some kind of over-privileged brat! Boycotting videogames in this scenario is the only path to take! After all, everyone knows how effective videogame protests are!

Avoid Going Outside
So, you’ve come to the conclusion that seeing as you can’t watch TV or play games or work that the most logical thing to do is to go outside. You’ve also come to the wrong conclusion. Sure, going outside seems like the right thing to do, but you should also realise its the worst thing to do. Outside is a massive no-no. People will be wearing football shirts everywhere, people will be flying ridiculous amounts of flags on their cars, outside their houses, on their clothes and their children. People will be chanting football related songs and talking about the World Cup and there’s nothing you can do to avoid it. You can’t even go to your favourite pubs to drink away your sorrows because they’ve got TVs everywhere playing all the World Cup matches while everyone inside is wearing a football shirt, talking about the football and using the World Cup as an opportunity to be as xenophobic and racist as possible but it’s okay because they don’t really mean it because most of their friends are foreigners or immigrants and its the World Cup and those foreign people are probably saying the same about us! I’m surprised you’d think you could even get near pubs during World Cup season. That was uncharacteristically stupid of you. Sorry, my friends, but the only thing you can do is stay inside and wait for the whole thing to blow over.
Vitamin D is overrated anyway.

Conclusion
So, you’ve shut yourself out from society. You no longer have a job, you haven’t eaten, you haven’t watched any TV, played any videogames, or interacted with any other human beings. You’re now jobless, dying of hunger, and friendless. But it was worth it, right? It was worth it just to avoid whatever it was you were trying to avoid in the first place, right? Do you even remember what it was? Was there even a point to it all?

Oh yeah, that thing with the people running around a field probably hitting a ball into a net! That’s what you were so angry about… Why? It’s not like anyone’s forcing you to watch it, and of course people are going to get excited for it, it’s one of the biggest sporting events around. So what if you get a lot of people who only ever care about Football and act as if they’re experts whenever the World Cup is on? So what if a lot of people use it for an excuse to be xenophobic and borderline racist to people from other cultures and pretend they’re being patriotic? So what if it pretty much takes over most of TV, conversation and life for the time it’s on? Granted, all of those things can be really annoying, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it yourself. Sure, people ruin everything, but that’s the way the world works. Sure, avoid something, but you don’t have to be massively vocal about it. Avoiding it’s fine, but there’s no need to go shouting off to people about how you’re boycotting something and how awesome and amazing you are because of it.
You could just accept the World Cup’s going to happen, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Or, you could stop protesting and boycotting everything you dislike in some stupid misguided belief that you’ll get your own way if you do. Hey, look on the bright side, it only happens every four years. Just like the Euros, Olympics, and occasionally, the elections.

That’s all for “How To Avoid The World Cup”! And we managed to get through it without any cheesy football puns. What an own goal that would have been!

…I’ll let myself out.

-Ed <3

4 thoughts on “How To Avoid The World Cup

  1. Loved it :)

    I do of course have to stay and justify why I like the World Cup so much (and why I even have the Radio Times wall chart stuck up to remind me of the match times). I never watch football outside of the World Cup (that’s actually never, not just ‘once-or-twice’ never), but the World Cup I love watching.

    That’s mostly because it’s just better football – the current best players in the world come together and play some entertaining football. I’ll be the first to put my hand up and say I have no idea why people find club football entertaining, but international football I do find entertaining.

    The host nation will put on a great spectacle, some top class players will play some first class football, and I can sit back and admire the skills I’ll never have. I was in two or three of the German stadium cities in 2006, and saw the stadiums themselves. Not just that, but the streets in almost a five mile radius were filled with banners and flags from dozens of nations – it really was a sight to behold when you’re actually there.

    As for patriotism, I support England when they’re playing, Germany when they’re playing, and Germany when they’re playing England. I’m not a fanatical patriot, but that’s because I know it’s only a game, and it’s just a good bit of unifying, worldwide fun. There’s nothing wrong with that!

    • No, there is nothing wrong with that :) I love England (as much as I don’t let on that I do), and I’m always kind of glad people are proud of where they come from, I just feel its a bit out of order to use it as an excuse to be xenophobic or offensive to other cultures/countries.
      Granted, I’m really not a football person, but I feel its unfair for people to instantly dismiss it. I’d like to think this isn’t singling out patriotism as much as people seem to think this is, its more of one of my “attack all the sides to point out how silly all the sides can be without particularly committing to any side”, if you get what I mean?

      I’m glad you loved it, though, and thanks again for reading :)

      • I know what you mean – I was watching a BBC Three World Cup run-down programme the other day, and one of the things said was that ‘Germany are always the enemy, you must always hate Germany.’

        Witty rivalry can be fun, but the fact is that Germany doesn’t care about us – their rival is Holland! They have no idea that we harbour this silly little grudge against them.

        The World Cup is meant to be unifying, not to enhance stupid xenophobia. Though it has to be said, those bloody Italian pricks…

      • Why do we have a grudge against them anyway? Because we went to war with them? Shouldn’t that mean EVERYONE would then hate Germany? I don’t get it.
        I don’t understand why people are so xenophobic at such a unifying event. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

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