Detective Edward in ‘The Case Of The Unupdated Blog’

The lights slowly flickered on as I made my way to my desk. The footsteps echoing throughout the room, I sat down, and waited for my laptop to turn on. I entered my password (It’s ‘cocks’. Always ‘cocks’) and waited for the startup. Suddenly, my phone rang. Not an uncommon occurence for an amazing Private Detective such as I, but my excitement got the better for me.
“Finally! Someone to talk to! I’ve been sitting here contemplating autoerotic asphyxiaaaaay, Mum! No, it was a jo-… You know, those things you make that make people laugh? No, okay… No, you right-click, and then… Mum, you’ve been using a computer for over 10 years now, how can you still not know how to copy and paste?”

After an intense war of words over the phone with one of my greatest adversaries, I slowly waited for more mysteries and cases to solve. Being a hard-boiled Private Detective was tough, sometimes. Suddenly, a “New Email” notification appeared onscreen. I won’t say I was in a rush to find out what it said, but once I’d picked the luckily still working laptop back up off the floor, the email revealed to me a potentially dangerous and sexy new adventure. With emphasis on the sexy.

“Y hvnt u updated ur shitty blog 4 lyk a month lol”

Finally! A new adventure! And hopefully, with the money I’d earn from solving this case, I could afford to fix the window I had just jumped through to get to the case faster. I arrived at the first location which could possibly manifest clues; the library. Of course, I had to sneak in because I was still banned from the last time I went in there. Apparently, trying to stop people from reading things you dislike yourself is intolerant and headbutting the frail library assistant who tells you is unnecessary unprovoked violence. Who knew? Still, she was in the hospital now, so that’d teach her. Sadly, my search to the library yielded little results, owing to the fact my fake moustache wasn’t adequate disguise and fell off halfway through conversation. They’ll all be so jealous when I grow a real moustache…

However, there was something called “exams” that kept being bought up during the conversation, and I racked my brains to think of any possible link towards my lack of updates and these “exams”…

…

…

Of course! That had to be the only answer! I raced towards my next destination before it was too late.

“Edward, if you keep jumping through my windows, I’m going to start making you pay for them eventually.”
“Not now, Curlyfries! There’s a case that needs solving!”
“Okay, firstly, Curlyfries? We’ve been through this so many times, its Lewis, not Curlyfries. Second, would it kill you to ring or at least warn me you’re going to jump through my window, so I can at least be ready to clean that up. Thirdly, isn’t it exam sea-”
“That Exam word! I heard it when searching for clues, and I figured you must have been behind it! Or failing that, that as my faithful sidekick, you’d at least be able to help me solve the mystery of why I haven’t done any updates in a while. Those exams are the only clue I have to go on”
“Maybe because you haven’t updated because of-”
“Quick, Curlyfries, get your coat, we haven’t a moment to lose!”

We approached a house. Curlyfries suggested that this house would give us all the clues we needed to solve the mystery once and for all. I jumped through the already broken window, scattering glass everywhere. I then set about searching the room for evidence.

“Curlyfries!”
“Lewis”
“Lewisfries! Get here, you have to see this!”

There were books everywhere, scattered across the room. Novels, plays, essays on dramatic and theatrical theories and techniques. Notes, post-its, and a laptop eerily similar to mine. I checked it, guessed the password instantly (it’s always ‘cocks’) and found an email message to the user.

“Y hvnt u updated ur shitty blog 4 lyk a month lol”

“Curlewis!”
“… I hate you.”
“Look! Another clue! This person hasn’t updated their… *cough*”
“…Are you okay?”
“I’m actually in quite a lot of pain right now. I think I mistimed the jump or something”
“You jumped through a window.”
“Exactly, I mistimed the jump.”
“Want me to call an ambulance?”
“It’s on speed dial”
“You put the emergency services on speed dial? It’s like, 3 numbers!”
“And speed dial is one. And it’d be a lot quicker if you shut up and called them!”

I woke up several hours later in hospital. When I awoke, my trusted companion and sidekick was there to comfort me.

“So, figured out the conclusion to your case?”
“Case? Dude, I’ve had way more to worry about, like updating now that my exams are done.”
“So you broke my windows, dragged me out during exam season, then broke into your own home and ended up in hospital? Why?!?”
“I get bored.”
“…You’re paying for those windows.”
“…I need a job”