Hey there, how’s it going?
What the heck is going on here?
Hey, I ask the questions here, not you. You were really drunk and angry about stuff, so you were playing videogames, then decided to choke yourself and touch yourself at the same time.
Hey, I don’t remember doing that at all!
Well, you did, and now, you’re in a videogame of some kind.
No, okay, seriously, what is going on here? I didn’t do any of that kind of stuff and-
Okay, shut up. Look around you, what do you see?
Errrm, I’m in a bright, colourful area.
Can you move about freely?
No, I can only move straight in front of me, or right behind me. Are you going to tell me what the heck is going on here?
Okay, colourful area, and only two directions of movement… It seems you’re stuck in an old-school platformer. Now, as long as you listen to me, you might just survive. Okay, now keep running forward and-
I can’t. There’s like, a giant bunch of water in front of me.
Well, better water than a bottomless pit. Take a look, are you a heavily cartoonish human, or a heavily cartoonish animal that has no right speaking but does, and looks and moves quite humanishly?
What was that about bottomless pits?
Nothing, answer the question.
That second one.
Okay, right, we might have some problems here. Okay, try jumping that giant pool of water.
I can’t do that! It’s like, massive!
Look, it’s a platformer, you’re capable of jumping stupidly improbable distances, especially considering you’re a heavily cartoonish animal that shouldn’t even be able to walk, talk or jump. Just jump it!
You’re right, I can do this, I can – hurk!
Water. Deadly to Videogame Animals.
Okay, so, you died. Obviously, we’re dealing with a game wherein you die upon contact with water. Typical teenager.
But I’m still here…?
Yeah, you still have two guys left. Okay, this time, jump over the water, and continue.
Okay, I did that.
Okay, good. Now, just keeping jumping over these pools of water, and avoiding any ridiculous happenings, we need to get you to the end of this and-
Ooh! A block with something inside it!
Oh, Goddamn it. Okay, just break it open and try not to get freaked out…
Oh my god, am I tripping balls right now, or did I just suddenly get bigger and stronger? And If I did, how comes all my clothes haven’t been ripped or anything?
Seriously though, shouldn’t he at least Hulk out his clothes or something? I’ve heard of one size fits all, but this is ridiculous!
Look, like I said, I’m the one asking questions and stuff. Just ignore it, you’re not really supposed to question why any of that just happened. Accept it and move on. Now, try not to hit anything or you’ll just go back to regular size.
What? That sucks, man. Oh well, here I go!
No, watch out for that giant spike pit!
No Yoshi! Don’t Do That! You’ll Cause A Time Paradox!
You have one more life left. Don’t mess this up!
Okay, I’ll be sure to do what you say and – Ooh! Look at that!
What, you mean that Overly Cute and Cartoony, but Probably Extremely Dangerous Animal (OCCPEDA)?
Yeah! I’m gonna go over and give it a hug!
No, don’t do that! While it’s Overly Cute and Cartoony, it’s Probably Extremely Dangerous!
Hugging! Hey! It’s hugging me back… and tickling me… and OH DEAR GOD HELP ME!
What… what is it doing to you?
It’s raping me! It’s raping me!
It’s forcing sexual intercourse upon me! I do not consent! I DO NOT CONSENT!
Look, Kid, I told you not to go and hug that thing!
What would you have suggested?
Jumping on it’s head.
Yeah man, that totally works, for some reason.
I have no idea why that’d ever work, but I’ll give it a shot if it’ll stop it having sex with my butt-OH MY GOD IT JUST BIT MY LEGS OFF IN MID AIR!
Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty awesome.
Awesome? It just made it easier for him to rape me!
I’d like to help, but I’m just an omniscient narrating presence, I can’t actually do anything. Plus, I’m actually kind of getting a little turned on by this…
OH GOD IT HURTS
IT REALLY HURTS
IT’S RAPING ME, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!
Even if I could do something, you seemed pretty intent on not listening to anything I told you to do before. Besides, you showed “love”, and now it shows you it’s own form of “Love”!
No! Noooooooooo-wait, a little to the left… there we go… now where were we? Oh yeah….
Maybe this’ll teach you a lesson about ignoring Omniscient Narrating Presences when they tell you to kill Overly Cute and Cartoony, but Probably Extremely Dangerous Animals by jumping on their heads.