So, this Jim Sterling fellow. To those who are unaware, Jim Sterling is a Not-Journalist for www.destructoid.com, who is increasingly unpopular among
stupid fucking idiots jealous wannabe games journalists people who for the purposes of this we will call stupid fucktards haters. However, I’m here to tell you why those haters are Blatantly Better than Jim Sterling (by stealing and bastardising a feature of his on Destructoid). Hopefully he won’t hate me for it
As we know, Jim Sterling is from England, and that makes him a stupid obese man who’s arse he owes to AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE (because America won the war, and didn’t just come in after Hitler fucked up in Russia, and was starting to lose anyway), and as such, he should be grateful to Americans otherwise he’d be speaking Germans and eating Jew babies or something. Also, being British means he’s automatically wrong, because Americans, the prime Sterling haters are Americans, and thus totally right about everything and justified in everything they do, like going to war with Iraq and voting Bush in twice. Ignoring the fact I’m from England, and Sterling now resides in America, his haters are Blatantly Better.
I hate myself for resorting to a Bush joke, of all things.
He Uses Sarcasm:
When he writes articles, Mr Sterling employs something known as sarcasm. However, sarcasm is too complicated to understand and recognise to the average hater, and because they need any excuse possible to hate him, it’s easier to act as if he’s being serious and that he genuinely believes it, because he obviously does, and the haters are totally not missing a point of any kind.
He’s Happily Married:
As you are now aware, Jim Sterling is happily married, and because his haters like to make wild accusations about him being lonely, fat and single, I’m going to join them and say that being happily married with someone he’s in love with totally makes him gay. And a pussy. And wrong about everything. Obviously, the haters are in the right here, making wild accusations about people whose opinions we disagree with is totally the cool thing to do! And not just the last refuge of those who are picking at straws to insult someone they disagree with. And who are single. And lonely. And hung up on that person they like because she’ll come back to me if I keep trying even though she’s seeing that over guy and its totally over between us and…
He’s Not Afraid To Show His Face:
Haters don’t need to show their face to be correct, and remaining anonymous is the only true way to have your opinion respected. Jim’s obviously not doing it right, because by showing his face, he’s no longer anonymous and cool, and thus, his haters are blatantly better.
The Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory by Penny Arcade
He Has An Opinion, And Therefore Must be Stopped:
When Jim Sterling reviews games, he lets things like opinions get in the way of his judgement. That’s no way to review games, and the fact that he’s just allowed to use his opinion is disgusting. The haters are totally right. All reviews should be completely factual, and thus exactly the same as each other, with little to no interpretation or judgement, thus making multiple reviews of the same game completely pointless and obsolete. Jim Sterling shouldn’t have an opinion unless it’s exactly the same as theirs, and he should put that gun down he’s using to force everyone to read his opinions.
He Rated Assassin’s Creed 2 a 4.5:
Jim Sterling rated one of the most anticipated games of the year a measly, a pathetic, an earth destroying 4.5. The haters are right: Jim reviewing a game that the haters either haven’t played (but it was majorly hyped, so it must be good!) or have played and like that low is akin to raping and murdering children! How dare he dislike a game that the majority of reviews view positively! As Jim pointed out, his negative review may have actually caused physical copies of the game to melt, and rumour has it that his review also caused that game-breaking glitch. The haters are right, Jim Sterling is a terrible person for not only having a different opinion from them, but for disliking something they like, because it totally makes a difference to their enjoyment, and their disagreement caused Jim’s fist to burst through the computer screen, punch them in the face, and eat their doritos.
He Was Wrong About FFXIII Being Better On The Xbox:
Mr Sterling recently wrote an article FFXIII is blatantly better on the Xbox360 than on the PS3. However, as it turns out, his incredibly serious and totally-not-satire article was a big bunch of wrong. Final Fantasy XIII will have compressed sound and video on the Xbox360, meaning that not only is his article completely and utterly wrong in every way, but the Playstation 3 is the one true console, and it totally makes a difference to everything and proves that the Playstation 3 version will be better than actual sex with a real woman, whereas the Xbox360 version will be worse than a handjob with sandpaper. Because of this totally and utterly insignificant fact, all the haters are automatically right and therefore, blatantly better.
Jim Sterling = Bias
As all the haters are quick to point out, Jim Sterling is bias, and hates the Playstation 3. As their irrefutable evidence probably points out, Sterling is quick to hate on the PS3, despite him saying that his favourite console this generation was Sony’s console, when looking at it from the haters’ perspective, he’s clearly an Xbot who can’t reach orgasm unless he gets an achievement and says something insulting about Sony. While eating babies.
He Hates Anything That’s Popular And Trolls For Pageviews:
Didn’t you read above? He rated Assassin’s Creed 2 a 4.5! Let’s ignore his 9.5 and 9.0 scored reviews of Modern Warfare 2 and Left 4 Dead 2, and listen to the haters who claim he hates everything that’s popular! He obviously does! He probably definately doesn’t have valid reasons for hating things (like Activision and IWnet) and he’s clearly just trolling everyone to get more pageviews for Destructoid. Let’s believe the haters, and tell everyone about how he hates things that we like, and send the link to everyone, so we can give Destructoid some more page views just to slag off and hate one of their writers, who at the end of the day, is doing something he loves (playing and writing about videogames) as a living, is frequently hilarious, and is one of the best Videogame (not-)journalists out there.
I think now its obvious to you all now that the haters are blatantly better than Jim Sterling.
(If Jim Sterling ever reads this, he’s going to hate/kill me.)